he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Pooping to opera.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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