he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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