So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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