i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
