Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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