You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
