i'm signing you up for texting rehab
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
