thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
