Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
