I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
