I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
