i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
