Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
