Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
