I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
