I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
