I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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