My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
