He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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