Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
