This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
