3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
