my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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