I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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