Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
