I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize