last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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