So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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