I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
