I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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