East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
