i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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