so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
