You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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