I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
MIDGETS
????
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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