Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
