I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
