He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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