Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize