omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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