btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize