I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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