You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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