I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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