you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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