I wish I could punch you in the face.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
