god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You work out of a Hotel?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
