New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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