she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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