I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
