Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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