Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
