its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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