im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
