I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
