If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
honey bunches of taint.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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