He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
