Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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